Running away.

I don’t think I am cut out for relationships. The cliche, ‘Its not you, its me’ is only too true here. It is who I am, the person I have become. I have two more weeks till I go back to Newcastle and frankly, it is looking less appealing by the minute. What I have feared in this long distance relationship has come true, we have grown apart. In the space of two months, we have grown distant despite the fact that we talk everyday. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I really tried, gave so much but everything just comes back to a full circle. I seem to be where I was four years ago. Those familiar feelings are coming back, the ominous signs rearing their ugly head. Am I to blame for that? Perhaps. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I refuse to go through all that bullshit again. I feel like i am being crushed slowly but surely.

I feel like running away right now, leaving everything behind and never looking back. I was asked, what if you looked back and have regrets? I know that it is a possibility but I am really just too tired to deal with this. I’ll do anything to prove that I love you but I refuse to be blamed for that. To pay for something I didn’t do. I am being reminded of the pain I was once put through. I need to protect myself and its killing me knowing that you are putting me through that same pain again. I love you but I refuse to stay for this.

Should be pretty easy disappearing. Deleting any form of contact. Fade away..

Spain

My favourite picture.

Insecurities.

10 months.

That’s how long I have not written.

Insecurities. Friends who know me will often describe me as confident amongst many other things but like everyone else, I do have my share of insecurities. After a mind blowing year in Newcastle, I returned back to Singapore. Unlike most people, I was not looking forward to coming back. In fact, I dreaded it. Ever since my first year of university, I found every excuse to leave Singapore. The exchange to UK just further strengthened my resolve to not want to stay in here.

I am leaving for Newcastle next month and going by what I have said earlier, I should be turning cartwheels and jumping for joy but I am not. My house mates moved into our new place in September and since then they have all stamped their mark on the house and have renewed their bonds with one another. I will only be back at the end of November and it is my fear that I would become the OUTSIDER. There’s nothing much worse than feeling like you’re an intruder in your own home.

I am having so much difficulty in arranging my paperwork for my visa application. NUS is making it so bloody hard for me, I cannot get proof that my BA will be awarded, they refused to commit to even a status letter. The other day, I went to ask about the transcripts and I was told that the new results will only be reflected on the transcripts 20 calendar days after the release of results. By the time I get my transcripts, send it to Newcastle and get them to send my visa letter, it would already be the end of Jan 2010. Classes would have started by then. So therefore I am screwed.

Things have kinda been downhill ever since I got back to Singapore. 1. I got screwed over working for TaylorMade – wages lower than a temp, crappy commission, inefficient management and crappy working hours. 2. I am back at home again (self explanatory) 3. Friends that I spent my first two years in university with grew distant, as a result of not staying in hall anymore. 4. I had to have my toenail cut and pulled out due to a infected ingrown toenail. The experience of having one’s toenail pulled out is not fun. Quite traumatising in fact. 5. Having been out of the country since my first year in NUS and my two year hiatus from Singapore has resulted in all my friends disappearing. People that I’ve tried contacting were surprised to even hear from me. Friends became acquaintances.

Frankie will be going for her year aboard as early as June 2010. That leaves me just under six months to spend with her and that is assuming that I even make it back at all. six months before she leaves for a year. Its been only 6 weeks since she left Singapore and I am already struggling without her. She keeps me sane. I have no idea how am I gonna deal with a year of absence, I really don’t. Can our relationship survive one year of being apart? After the first 6 months of her year aboard, I would have graduated from my Masters program. Before that even, I would have to make the most important decision in my life. Where I am gonna be? Its always been my dream to work and live in the States and it only changed after I met Frankie. I know for sure if I go ahead and pursue my dream of working in the States, my relationship is over. What if I decide to stay in UK to pursue my career and things don’t work out between us? Ideally the place where I am gonna be working will be the place that I am gonna settle down. I want to live in the States, not UK.

This is a period of self doubt for me. I look at myself and wonder what have I achieved. I am turning 26 in a month’s time and I have nothing to my name. I am still in school, although supposedly graduating this term but still. I am going on to pursue further education and by the time it finishes, I am gonna be 27. Throughout my entire university life, I have not done a single internship or attachment program. Places that I have worked before are not even worth a mention on my CV. Friends around me, people that I grew up with have all achieved so much. Marcus has been working for a couple of years now and has his own car, a career and has found God. Shuhui has also started work and has been giving tuition consistently. Gillian is working as well and from her description, it is going very well. Luke is an interior designer and Edward whom I have not seen in years is a police officer with a car and a girlfriend that he is probably going to marry. Point is, everyone around me has done something with their life and while I am still strolling through life, people are steaming past me. Friends of mine have portfolios and CVs the size of a textbook and I can’t even manage two pages. What the hell am I doing with my life? I don’t even know if I would be able to get a job after I graduate.

One thing is for sure though, I am leaving Singapore for good. I don’t want to come back. I am sick and tired of everything. My lousy excuse of a family, the life here, the Singaporeans, the ugliness, the EVERYTHING. I wish I could say that there were things here that I can’t let go but the truth is, there is nothing. Sure, I will miss my friends but its not like we hang out everyday. I get to see two of my closest friends once every 6 months or at special occasions. I am not part of any group or affiliation. Not close to extended family. Nothing.

I have many insecurities and although I do try to keep a lid on them, they have a tendency to just spill over. I fear to share my deepest thoughts with any of my friends, fear that they wouldn’t understand, fear of being seen as weak. My past constantly haunts me and I lie awake at night willing myself to sleep but just managed to feel even more awake. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to gone, to have eternal rest. Honestly, I don’t think I will be missed. Yes, my mother will probably be devastated. My sister will be sad but she’ll be fine after awhile. My father? Ha. He will be only too glad to see me go. What kinda person you are is defined by what people remember you and what do I have for people to remember me by? Nothing.

It all comes back to nothing.

Looking back.

2008. Japan, New York, Las Vegas, New Jersey, London, Newcastle, Holland, Scotland, Paris and Bulgaria. It has been quite a year for me. Going to all these places has really opened up my myopic perception of the world. Seeing and experiencing all the different cultures, people and places is something that the books can never teach you. Now that 2008 is coming to an end, its time to look back and reflect on all that has happened.

1. Exchange

Going on exchange is possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made. I told Gillian this before, everything happens for a reason. God’s will. I never planned to come to England for exchange, it was always the States for me. I wanted to go to Boston. The only reason I ever consider England was because of Claudine, it was because of her that I had Newcastle down on my list. We both got it in the end, I wanted to go for a year but we both got one semester. Then Newcastle uni contacted NUS and said that they wanted a student that would be willing to go for year. Claudine didn’t wanna go for a year, the two slots were available became one slot for a year. I took that slot. I ended up being the only student going to Newcastle. With no friends there and no idea of what to expect, I left for England. Here, I made completely new friends and a new whole of living. With no baggage from the past, it was like starting on a clean slate. It was what I always wanted. I’ve met some wonderful people and made many friends.

2. Europe

Being in England gave me the catalyst that I needed for my Eurotrip. My first experience of Europe was not great, for reasons that I shall not mention. I wanted to come back to Europe and explore it on my own terms. After touching base in Newcastle, my first stop was Amsterdam. Interesting city, not quite how I remember it the first time I went there but that was 10 years ago. Road trip through Scotland with the boys. It was surreal, seeing the majestic mountains and the colors of the forests. Paris was totally unplanned for, Charli just texted me one day saying that there was a cheap flight to Paris and if I was interested. That was it. A month and a half later, we were on our way to Paris. She is exactly like how I remembered her, beautiful. Bulgaria is a place that I have planned to go to for quite awhile, mainly because Alex, Dimitar and Ivo were there. I have never been to Eastern Europe before and this was certainly an eye-opener for me. If i had to compare, Bulgaria is the Thailand of Europe. I climbed mountains, saw blistering snow and went out in -15 degrees temperature. The best part however was seeing those guys again and catching up with them. London, I never really experienced London the first time I arrived because I was rushing to catch my train. So I came back to London again and did a Tube route exploration. Saw Big Ben, London bridge (quite overrated), Tower bridge, London’s Eye, St Paul Church and Soho.

3. LBI

Going back to LBI was not quite how I imagined it to be. It felt nice to be back and I lacked the enthusiasm I had the first time. There were a few people from last year who came back as well but it felt different. But the beach still remains as beautiful as ever. It took my breath away the first time I saw it and it still had the same effect a year later. That beach holds many special memories for me, I’ve made many life changing decisions on this beach and that has led me to the path I am on today.

4. Grace

2008 is the year that my lovely niece, Grace was born. Feels odd being an uncle but I’ve fallen into the role of a doting uncle easily. I love her to bits. Having said that, it also means that my sister has finally become a mother. We have all come a long way. I can’t wait to carry you again Grace!

5. Independence

Three years ago, I was forced by circumstances to be completely independent. To live on my own, do my own laundry, cook my own food. Weekends and holidays were the hardest at first then I slowly got used to being alone. Days became months which eventually became years. I was fine being alone. didn’t matter if there was anyone around. By some accident, I went back to my neighbourhood, it was three in the morning and I went up to the doorstep of my home. At that point of time, I have never felt more alone. I knew the home that I know so well was just on the opposite of that door, it was within reach but it was easily the furthest thing from me. During these three years, I spent most of the time alone. I decided to go traveling, it didn’t matter if there was anyone with me. I was fine being alone. Going on the Eurotrip made me realize how independent I have become, I didn’t need anyone. Put me in a foreign place and I would be fine. Throw me into the busiest city and I’ll survive. I may perhaps have become too independent.

6. Leaving Singapore.

I spent the most part of 2008 being away from Singapore. This was important for me as it was the final phrase in my plan to eventually leave Singapore. I wanted to see how I was gonna cope with being away from Singapore, from my friends and familiar surroundings. 18 months- this is how long I am gonna be away from everything. Being on exchange is how it would be like at first when I migrate to a new place. So far, its going on well. I feel this is probably beause I’ve gotten used to living like this. I guess this means that i’m 99% sure that I’ll not stay in Singapore.

Years ago, if I had read this post. I would never have guessed that that person would be me. At one point, everything around me was so uncertain. I didn’t even know if I could go to uni. Being accepted to NUS was like the first piece of domino that fell and led to the chain of events that brought me all over the world. 2008 has been a good year for me. Thank you God.

What ifs

It seems almost surreal. Everything has been based on the possibles, the should have been and the what ifs. We met on a thursday night. On a pub crawl that I never meant to go. It was the last pub that night and frankly, I just wanted to get home. As I sat at the table, there she was. Everything and everyone else seemed to fade into a blur. There was something about her that captivated me.

I tried to get her out of my mind, to forget about her. I ended up asking her out. We went for coffee, although it was possibly the worst coffee I ever had, I felt happy. Talking to her brought butterflies to my stomach, sitting there listening to her was peaceful.

I tried to dismiss what I felt, like the many times whenever I came close to allowing myself to feel that way. Something in her eyes subdued me. Something that tamed me, and at the same time, made me feel alive. Her presence touched me, almost like a reverberating silence in my hollow heart.

We talked about everything. Our dreams, hopes, fears. We shared secrets, we talked forever. We seemed to have a telepathic connection. The kind of connection I never had before and perhaps, never will again. There was something about her that I was dying to hold on to, a salvation of my soul.

What was i thinking? She belonged to someone else. I must have been naive to think that this was going somewhere. I was hooked, drawn to an incredible sensation and feeling.

I don’t want to lose you, she said. Give me more time.

Three Years.

My heart is a vulnerable one, scarred heavily from past wounds. I kept my world guarded for a reason, and perhaps it was a mistake to open it. I have never allowed anyone in for these past years. Yet, she was a dream. One that opened me up but was never mine to begin with. Why was I such a fool? I stood there helplessly as reality set in, to take her away. Watched as once again I fell back into the bottomless pit of loneliness.

I hate the visa application centre.

I am back in sg and I lost my passport. Yup, after spending close to 6 months overseas and having nothing happen to my passport. The first day back, I lost it. I hate the UK visa application centre. Having living by myself for more than two years, I now absolutely cannot stand living at home. My mum just won’t give me a break. She always has something to say, to nag, to complain about. Don’t get me wrong, I love her but this woman just gets on my nerves. Period.

I am under alot of stress with the UK visa application, loss of passport, changes in flight and the fact that i am most probably gonna be late for school. On top of that, I have to deal with my mum coming with me. Yes, she is coming with me. She wants to go for a holiday and visit some friends in Ireland as well. I have to arrange everything for her too. That alone is like giving me 50% of my stress. I really hope there’s no problem with my visa because if there is..I’m screwed.

On other note, I have been reading this blog. It is brutally honest, candid and funny as hell. It has inspired me to start writing down my random thoughts and has given me a new take on life. I am honestly apprehensive about my coming year in Newcastle, what it would bring for me and how life is gonna be over there. Being back in Sg has made me realize certain things.

1. I made the right decision.

2. There’s only so much I can do and say, if you wanna destroy your life. I am not gonna be a part of it.

3. Solid friendships withstand the test of time.

4. I am getting old.

It is time I left my memories at the place where they belong. The past. It is no use bringing them back and reliving those times and then get hit by the present reality. Which would make me feel really shitty. I leave you with a quote.

People who are clearly unequal, do not deserve equal chances. We do not believe in communism. If you’re ugly and fucked up you WILL be laughed at.

It is what it is.

I have two more days left here in LBI, in States. Summer of 2008 has arrived and passed, just like that. Another summer has gone by and a new chapter of my life begins. I made many memories and friends during my time here. People who have helped shaped my memories and possibly even me. I know I will not see alot of them ever again. After all, we all have our own lifes and live in different worlds.

This summer has been so different from the past one, much more conflict, politics and unhappiness. I really missed the people from the last summer. However, I would not change a single moment of this summer. Life is never a smooth ride, you get grinds and bumps. It is things like this that make me who I am. Donald Douglas, the crazy Jamacian – I can’t imagine how this summer would have been like if you weren’t around. I would have been bored to death. Sheneil, another crazy jamacian- It was good to see you again after last summer. I had alot of fun with you again. Milana- the bosnian turned serbian, I am glad I got to know you better since I didn’t had the time last summer. Dragi, the metrosexual from Macedonia- you better be sending me the winter coats when I am in UK. John, the Italian American dude- “I hate my life”

I got inked 2 weeks ago, something I have always wanted since last summer. The new addition is on my left shoulder running down my back. “Freedom” in Old English lettering. This one hurted much more than my first one. Perhaps given the larger surface area, it was more painful.

As this chapter in my life ends, another one beckons. I am looking forward to going to UK where I would be spending the next one year. This is also the last year of my travels as after that, I am officially joining the millions of people in the workforce. Hopefully, not the unemployed.

I am going to visit alot of countries in Europe namely, Ireland, London, Scotland, France, Germany, Amsterdam (smoke weed and get stoned), Swiss Alps, Greece, Moscow, Bulgaria (visit Mitko and Shashu to ski), Macedonia (Dragia and Mya), Serbia (Milana and KeyJ), Spain, Austria, Venice, Italy. I know I know, that’s alot of countries. Take it that I am making up for lost memories. I had a horrible time the last time I went to Europe, mainly because he made things so unpleasant for all of us. Going on a holiday with him is like going to the dentist to have your tooth pulled out. You dread every moment of it and you already know that the trip is gonna be so painful and unpleasant.

I know I am gonna miss hearing the sound of the waves hitting the shore at night, the feel of the sand underneath my feet and the cool ocean breeze blowing gently across my face but most of all, I am going to miss the serenity of the beach at night. Looking up in the night, seeing the millions and millions of stars up there. Feeling totally at peace with the world and myself, being able to cast all my problems and worries aside for those few precious moments. That is what I will miss the most in LBI. I am probably gonna go to the beach tonight after I finish my last ever shift here in Hartland’s Golf. Thank you Dave for taking me back this summer. I appreciate everything you have done for me.

Working my last ever shift here feels weird, it is probably because I have grown so attached to this place. I have become part of the ever growing Hartland family. Dave said I made history by becoming the first student to ever come back to work for him. I made history as well by standing up to Kevin Stretch when no other student has ever stood up to him before. I was talking to Dave the other night, I said I definitely would be back although not any time soon but surely I will come back. Perhaps I will come back with my wife and kids and pay him a visit. Showing my kids where their dad once worked for minimum wage during the summer and the person who showed great kindness towards their dad.

I see the clock ticking away and I can almost feel the time slipping out of my hands. I wanna stop time and live in this moment for just awhile longer. Can you blame me? I spent two of the best years of my life here and this place has affected me so much that I am no longer the same person I was three years ago. I feel so at home here, more so than the place I call home right now. It feels that I am supposed to be here. The culture, the people and the way of life make me feel so at ease. I guess my decision to migrate over here is right after all. I know it is a big risk and a drastic change but remember last year, I talked about having stepped out of my comfort zone. This is being OUT of my comfort zone. I have no idea what the future holds for me despite the many fortune reading sessions I have had. (you can never believe those things) I do know one thing for sure, I will try like hell to make sure I achieve my goals and aspirations.

I still have not had my American dream come true. Someday it will. I know it.

Change is constant

Today, I thought about Yvonne. For no apparent reason while working, my mind drifted towards her and I wondered how is she doing? The last time I saw her was almost a year ago and I must say, I couldn’t recognize her. Don’t get me wrong, physically she has not changed. Well, maybe she gained a little weight but that is totally understandable with all the drinking and partying she has been doing. She is no longer the nice girl next door that I first met. Gone were the child-like innocence and smile and replaced by cold hard materialism and greed.

The whole affair between Mr. R and her left a bitter taste in my mouth. The kind you couldn’t get rid of, no matter how many times you wash your mouth. French cuffs huh. It is amazing how much people can change in such a short time. Frankly, if you ask me..I did not see this coming. I mean come on, good family, God loving and fearing person, nice friends. How was I supposed to know that she would do the unthinkable.

The idea that I had kissed and hugged her after Mr R. had done the exact same thing and perhaps even more made me disgusted. That was in 2006. Honestly, all that is water under the bridge now. She taught me a few invaluable lessons. Never trust anyone. Never give someone all of your heart unless you’re pretty certain that he/she won’t take it and tear it apart. But the most important lesson of all, never depend on anyone but yourself. I’ll admit this, at one point in my life when everything was going wrong for me, she was the pillar that held everything up. She made things bearable. She gave me hope. She made everything okay by just being there. Do you know what it feels like to have that pillar come crashing down on you. To have everything that you believed crushed and trampled upon. That was how she made me felt.

Some of my friends say that I am still bitter about what happened, yeah sure I am. I am bitter that whatever happened has changed my perspective of human relations, love and life. It has made me into this detached, defensive and borderline paranoid person today. You made me not wanna go to church anymore because you brought Mr R. there. You took him to MY church and dirtied it. You took that mofo sonabitch to my church. I am sorry. I am not as forgiving as Jesus. So sure, I am bitter but at least this bitterness doesn’t linger in my mouth.

One year after all this. You finally admit to cheating on me then you tell me you still have feelings for me and that I treated you so well. What’s the whole fucking point? What did you expect from me? I am not the guy that you want. (rewind one year ago- ‘I now know what I want and you are not it.’) I do not own a car therefore I can’t be your personal chauffeur. I am not filthy rich. I do not have the time to be at your beck and call 24/7. I am just a poor college kid ( for now) but I know I am not a fat, ugly and married 30 yr old man who is having a mid-life crisis. Wait, then again what the hell do I know. You chose him over me.

Summer of 2008

Coming back to States for the second time has definitely changed my impression about many things. Opinions and impressions that I formed about certain people and places during my first year are no longer valid. Take for instance, Long Beach Island. Last year, I was captivated by the soft sand and the sounds of the waves crashing upon the shoreline. This year, I can actually count the number of times I have been to the beach.

Many things have happened during this summer. I organized and led a strike against Stretch (my employers in the States) and as a result, I was fired. Then, I was un-fired ( they were bluffing). The look on Kevin Stretch’s face was priceless. He looked so baffled at what was happening, I mean come on..he should have expected this. The way he has been treating all the students here, charging us so much money in rent for poor substandard living conditions. His wife is even worse, she is always trying to take money out of our paychecks for this, for that. On top of that, the paychecks are coming up short. The irony of it all is that, she is from Russia and she was once poor. In fact, she was a student working for Stretch on this very same program. That all changed when she slept with the boss. Now that she has a little money tucked away, a roof over her head and a nice car, she forgets that she was once poor.

I finally got accepted to the University of Newcastle Upon Tyne in UK for AY2008/09 and it was a big relief to get that out of the way. I would be spending the next year in UK instead of going back to SIngapore. I am gonna be spending a long time away from home. 18 months to be exact.

I just came back from Niagara Falls and Las Vegas and I had so much fun there. Niagara Falls was so beautiful, it certainly lives up to the reputation of being one of the seven natural wonders of the world. Las Vegas was a whole new different experience, and certainly an expensive one. I got cleaned out at the blackjack tables. The reality of that didn’t hit me till I was on the plane out of LV.

I hate my life. Really. Sometimes I feel that life is so unfair. I know, I know. That’s life. However, when I see a extremely hot girl with a fat ugly mofo..I hate my life. Since I am on that topic, I have made a decision that is going to change my life. I have decided to move to the states after I graduate. I have always felt so stiffled in Singapore and misunderstood by the system. I feel that I have no room for personal and career growth if I stay in Singapore. I have always felt that my life was somewhere else and right now it seems that the States is the place where I am going to be. Its not concrete though, it depends on how my experience in UK will be like though. Although I highly doubt that I will change my mind, I have never been a big fan of cold, wet places. Especially when it is raining most of the time. However, I do know that I am going to miss some things in Singapore. My close friends, Marcus and Shuhui. My bestie – Claudine. Food- Bachor Mee, Laksa and chicken rice. Last of all, the one most important person in my life- my mother. I know that she understands that I have to do this for myself and that at some point in my life, I will eventually leave.

I just watched Made of Honor starring Patrick Dempsy, not sure if I got his last name right. Anyway, he is the guy that plays Dr. McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy. That movie rocks. At least in my opinion. I have always been a sucker for romantic comedies and this definitely is one.

Now is the summer of 2008 and I hope it never ends.

Crazy few days.

This is my fourth day in LBI and so far, everything has been crazy. I have been put to work immediately by my boss and this time I have been given more responsibilities. He’s putting me in charge of the windows crew and says that I’ll need to step up. What happened to a fun summer? Sigh. I went back to Dave’s place to say hi to him and we caught up a bit. But I feel something is different. I can’t really put a finger to it now but its feels different from before. From the looks of things, I don’t think  I am gonna work as much as before at dave’s place.

There are three girls and 4 guys in the house now. Three Ukranians and two from Jamaica, Aron and me. This Ukranian girl called Natasha is crazy. I hooked up with her for a little bit and now she’s going psycho on me. Asking for more attention and this and that. What the hell did I get myself into.

I’ll be posting more picture soon when I get more time. Its been a hell of a week so far. I’m still nursing a headache from all the drinking last night. We had a small party, just the seven of us and there was alot of booze. Can’t think now.