Looking back.

2008. Japan, New York, Las Vegas, New Jersey, London, Newcastle, Holland, Scotland, Paris and Bulgaria. It has been quite a year for me. Going to all these places has really opened up my myopic perception of the world. Seeing and experiencing all the different cultures, people and places is something that the books can never teach you. Now that 2008 is coming to an end, its time to look back and reflect on all that has happened.

1. Exchange

Going on exchange is possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made. I told Gillian this before, everything happens for a reason. God’s will. I never planned to come to England for exchange, it was always the States for me. I wanted to go to Boston. The only reason I ever consider England was because of Claudine, it was because of her that I had Newcastle down on my list. We both got it in the end, I wanted to go for a year but we both got one semester. Then Newcastle uni contacted NUS and said that they wanted a student that would be willing to go for year. Claudine didn’t wanna go for a year, the two slots were available became one slot for a year. I took that slot. I ended up being the only student going to Newcastle. With no friends there and no idea of what to expect, I left for England. Here, I made completely new friends and a new whole of living. With no baggage from the past, it was like starting on a clean slate. It was what I always wanted. I’ve met some wonderful people and made many friends.

2. Europe

Being in England gave me the catalyst that I needed for my Eurotrip. My first experience of Europe was not great, for reasons that I shall not mention. I wanted to come back to Europe and explore it on my own terms. After touching base in Newcastle, my first stop was Amsterdam. Interesting city, not quite how I remember it the first time I went there but that was 10 years ago. Road trip through Scotland with the boys. It was surreal, seeing the majestic mountains and the colors of the forests. Paris was totally unplanned for, Charli just texted me one day saying that there was a cheap flight to Paris and if I was interested. That was it. A month and a half later, we were on our way to Paris. She is exactly like how I remembered her, beautiful. Bulgaria is a place that I have planned to go to for quite awhile, mainly because Alex, Dimitar and Ivo were there. I have never been to Eastern Europe before and this was certainly an eye-opener for me. If i had to compare, Bulgaria is the Thailand of Europe. I climbed mountains, saw blistering snow and went out in -15 degrees temperature. The best part however was seeing those guys again and catching up with them. London, I never really experienced London the first time I arrived because I was rushing to catch my train. So I came back to London again and did a Tube route exploration. Saw Big Ben, London bridge (quite overrated), Tower bridge, London’s Eye, St Paul Church and Soho.

3. LBI

Going back to LBI was not quite how I imagined it to be. It felt nice to be back and I lacked the enthusiasm I had the first time. There were a few people from last year who came back as well but it felt different. But the beach still remains as beautiful as ever. It took my breath away the first time I saw it and it still had the same effect a year later. That beach holds many special memories for me, I’ve made many life changing decisions on this beach and that has led me to the path I am on today.

4. Grace

2008 is the year that my lovely niece, Grace was born. Feels odd being an uncle but I’ve fallen into the role of a doting uncle easily. I love her to bits. Having said that, it also means that my sister has finally become a mother. We have all come a long way. I can’t wait to carry you again Grace!

5. Independence

Three years ago, I was forced by circumstances to be completely independent. To live on my own, do my own laundry, cook my own food. Weekends and holidays were the hardest at first then I slowly got used to being alone. Days became months which eventually became years. I was fine being alone. didn’t matter if there was anyone around. By some accident, I went back to my neighbourhood, it was three in the morning and I went up to the doorstep of my home. At that point of time, I have never felt more alone. I knew the home that I know so well was just on the opposite of that door, it was within reach but it was easily the furthest thing from me. During these three years, I spent most of the time alone. I decided to go traveling, it didn’t matter if there was anyone with me. I was fine being alone. Going on the Eurotrip made me realize how independent I have become, I didn’t need anyone. Put me in a foreign place and I would be fine. Throw me into the busiest city and I’ll survive. I may perhaps have become too independent.

6. Leaving Singapore.

I spent the most part of 2008 being away from Singapore. This was important for me as it was the final phrase in my plan to eventually leave Singapore. I wanted to see how I was gonna cope with being away from Singapore, from my friends and familiar surroundings. 18 months- this is how long I am gonna be away from everything. Being on exchange is how it would be like at first when I migrate to a new place. So far, its going on well. I feel this is probably beause I’ve gotten used to living like this. I guess this means that i’m 99% sure that I’ll not stay in Singapore.

Years ago, if I had read this post. I would never have guessed that that person would be me. At one point, everything around me was so uncertain. I didn’t even know if I could go to uni. Being accepted to NUS was like the first piece of domino that fell and led to the chain of events that brought me all over the world. 2008 has been a good year for me. Thank you God.

What ifs

It seems almost surreal. Everything has been based on the possibles, the should have been and the what ifs. We met on a thursday night. On a pub crawl that I never meant to go. It was the last pub that night and frankly, I just wanted to get home. As I sat at the table, there she was. Everything and everyone else seemed to fade into a blur. There was something about her that captivated me.

I tried to get her out of my mind, to forget about her. I ended up asking her out. We went for coffee, although it was possibly the worst coffee I ever had, I felt happy. Talking to her brought butterflies to my stomach, sitting there listening to her was peaceful.

I tried to dismiss what I felt, like the many times whenever I came close to allowing myself to feel that way. Something in her eyes subdued me. Something that tamed me, and at the same time, made me feel alive. Her presence touched me, almost like a reverberating silence in my hollow heart.

We talked about everything. Our dreams, hopes, fears. We shared secrets, we talked forever. We seemed to have a telepathic connection. The kind of connection I never had before and perhaps, never will again. There was something about her that I was dying to hold on to, a salvation of my soul.

What was i thinking? She belonged to someone else. I must have been naive to think that this was going somewhere. I was hooked, drawn to an incredible sensation and feeling.

I don’t want to lose you, she said. Give me more time.

Three Years.

My heart is a vulnerable one, scarred heavily from past wounds. I kept my world guarded for a reason, and perhaps it was a mistake to open it. I have never allowed anyone in for these past years. Yet, she was a dream. One that opened me up but was never mine to begin with. Why was I such a fool? I stood there helplessly as reality set in, to take her away. Watched as once again I fell back into the bottomless pit of loneliness.

I hate the visa application centre.

I am back in sg and I lost my passport. Yup, after spending close to 6 months overseas and having nothing happen to my passport. The first day back, I lost it. I hate the UK visa application centre. Having living by myself for more than two years, I now absolutely cannot stand living at home. My mum just won’t give me a break. She always has something to say, to nag, to complain about. Don’t get me wrong, I love her but this woman just gets on my nerves. Period.

I am under alot of stress with the UK visa application, loss of passport, changes in flight and the fact that i am most probably gonna be late for school. On top of that, I have to deal with my mum coming with me. Yes, she is coming with me. She wants to go for a holiday and visit some friends in Ireland as well. I have to arrange everything for her too. That alone is like giving me 50% of my stress. I really hope there’s no problem with my visa because if there is..I’m screwed.

On other note, I have been reading this blog. It is brutally honest, candid and funny as hell. It has inspired me to start writing down my random thoughts and has given me a new take on life. I am honestly apprehensive about my coming year in Newcastle, what it would bring for me and how life is gonna be over there. Being back in Sg has made me realize certain things.

1. I made the right decision.

2. There’s only so much I can do and say, if you wanna destroy your life. I am not gonna be a part of it.

3. Solid friendships withstand the test of time.

4. I am getting old.

It is time I left my memories at the place where they belong. The past. It is no use bringing them back and reliving those times and then get hit by the present reality. Which would make me feel really shitty. I leave you with a quote.

People who are clearly unequal, do not deserve equal chances. We do not believe in communism. If you’re ugly and fucked up you WILL be laughed at.

It is what it is.

I have two more days left here in LBI, in States. Summer of 2008 has arrived and passed, just like that. Another summer has gone by and a new chapter of my life begins. I made many memories and friends during my time here. People who have helped shaped my memories and possibly even me. I know I will not see alot of them ever again. After all, we all have our own lifes and live in different worlds.

This summer has been so different from the past one, much more conflict, politics and unhappiness. I really missed the people from the last summer. However, I would not change a single moment of this summer. Life is never a smooth ride, you get grinds and bumps. It is things like this that make me who I am. Donald Douglas, the crazy Jamacian – I can’t imagine how this summer would have been like if you weren’t around. I would have been bored to death. Sheneil, another crazy jamacian- It was good to see you again after last summer. I had alot of fun with you again. Milana- the bosnian turned serbian, I am glad I got to know you better since I didn’t had the time last summer. Dragi, the metrosexual from Macedonia- you better be sending me the winter coats when I am in UK. John, the Italian American dude- “I hate my life”

I got inked 2 weeks ago, something I have always wanted since last summer. The new addition is on my left shoulder running down my back. “Freedom” in Old English lettering. This one hurted much more than my first one. Perhaps given the larger surface area, it was more painful.

As this chapter in my life ends, another one beckons. I am looking forward to going to UK where I would be spending the next one year. This is also the last year of my travels as after that, I am officially joining the millions of people in the workforce. Hopefully, not the unemployed.

I am going to visit alot of countries in Europe namely, Ireland, London, Scotland, France, Germany, Amsterdam (smoke weed and get stoned), Swiss Alps, Greece, Moscow, Bulgaria (visit Mitko and Shashu to ski), Macedonia (Dragia and Mya), Serbia (Milana and KeyJ), Spain, Austria, Venice, Italy. I know I know, that’s alot of countries. Take it that I am making up for lost memories. I had a horrible time the last time I went to Europe, mainly because he made things so unpleasant for all of us. Going on a holiday with him is like going to the dentist to have your tooth pulled out. You dread every moment of it and you already know that the trip is gonna be so painful and unpleasant.

I know I am gonna miss hearing the sound of the waves hitting the shore at night, the feel of the sand underneath my feet and the cool ocean breeze blowing gently across my face but most of all, I am going to miss the serenity of the beach at night. Looking up in the night, seeing the millions and millions of stars up there. Feeling totally at peace with the world and myself, being able to cast all my problems and worries aside for those few precious moments. That is what I will miss the most in LBI. I am probably gonna go to the beach tonight after I finish my last ever shift here in Hartland’s Golf. Thank you Dave for taking me back this summer. I appreciate everything you have done for me.

Working my last ever shift here feels weird, it is probably because I have grown so attached to this place. I have become part of the ever growing Hartland family. Dave said I made history by becoming the first student to ever come back to work for him. I made history as well by standing up to Kevin Stretch when no other student has ever stood up to him before. I was talking to Dave the other night, I said I definitely would be back although not any time soon but surely I will come back. Perhaps I will come back with my wife and kids and pay him a visit. Showing my kids where their dad once worked for minimum wage during the summer and the person who showed great kindness towards their dad.

I see the clock ticking away and I can almost feel the time slipping out of my hands. I wanna stop time and live in this moment for just awhile longer. Can you blame me? I spent two of the best years of my life here and this place has affected me so much that I am no longer the same person I was three years ago. I feel so at home here, more so than the place I call home right now. It feels that I am supposed to be here. The culture, the people and the way of life make me feel so at ease. I guess my decision to migrate over here is right after all. I know it is a big risk and a drastic change but remember last year, I talked about having stepped out of my comfort zone. This is being OUT of my comfort zone. I have no idea what the future holds for me despite the many fortune reading sessions I have had. (you can never believe those things) I do know one thing for sure, I will try like hell to make sure I achieve my goals and aspirations.

I still have not had my American dream come true. Someday it will. I know it.

Change is constant

Today, I thought about Yvonne. For no apparent reason while working, my mind drifted towards her and I wondered how is she doing? The last time I saw her was almost a year ago and I must say, I couldn’t recognize her. Don’t get me wrong, physically she has not changed. Well, maybe she gained a little weight but that is totally understandable with all the drinking and partying she has been doing. She is no longer the nice girl next door that I first met. Gone were the child-like innocence and smile and replaced by cold hard materialism and greed.

The whole affair between Mr. R and her left a bitter taste in my mouth. The kind you couldn’t get rid of, no matter how many times you wash your mouth. French cuffs huh. It is amazing how much people can change in such a short time. Frankly, if you ask me..I did not see this coming. I mean come on, good family, God loving and fearing person, nice friends. How was I supposed to know that she would do the unthinkable.

The idea that I had kissed and hugged her after Mr R. had done the exact same thing and perhaps even more made me disgusted. That was in 2006. Honestly, all that is water under the bridge now. She taught me a few invaluable lessons. Never trust anyone. Never give someone all of your heart unless you’re pretty certain that he/she won’t take it and tear it apart. But the most important lesson of all, never depend on anyone but yourself. I’ll admit this, at one point in my life when everything was going wrong for me, she was the pillar that held everything up. She made things bearable. She gave me hope. She made everything okay by just being there. Do you know what it feels like to have that pillar come crashing down on you. To have everything that you believed crushed and trampled upon. That was how she made me felt.

Some of my friends say that I am still bitter about what happened, yeah sure I am. I am bitter that whatever happened has changed my perspective of human relations, love and life. It has made me into this detached, defensive and borderline paranoid person today. You made me not wanna go to church anymore because you brought Mr R. there. You took him to MY church and dirtied it. You took that mofo sonabitch to my church. I am sorry. I am not as forgiving as Jesus. So sure, I am bitter but at least this bitterness doesn’t linger in my mouth.

One year after all this. You finally admit to cheating on me then you tell me you still have feelings for me and that I treated you so well. What’s the whole fucking point? What did you expect from me? I am not the guy that you want. (rewind one year ago- ‘I now know what I want and you are not it.’) I do not own a car therefore I can’t be your personal chauffeur. I am not filthy rich. I do not have the time to be at your beck and call 24/7. I am just a poor college kid ( for now) but I know I am not a fat, ugly and married 30 yr old man who is having a mid-life crisis. Wait, then again what the hell do I know. You chose him over me.

Summer of 2008

Coming back to States for the second time has definitely changed my impression about many things. Opinions and impressions that I formed about certain people and places during my first year are no longer valid. Take for instance, Long Beach Island. Last year, I was captivated by the soft sand and the sounds of the waves crashing upon the shoreline. This year, I can actually count the number of times I have been to the beach.

Many things have happened during this summer. I organized and led a strike against Stretch (my employers in the States) and as a result, I was fired. Then, I was un-fired ( they were bluffing). The look on Kevin Stretch’s face was priceless. He looked so baffled at what was happening, I mean come on..he should have expected this. The way he has been treating all the students here, charging us so much money in rent for poor substandard living conditions. His wife is even worse, she is always trying to take money out of our paychecks for this, for that. On top of that, the paychecks are coming up short. The irony of it all is that, she is from Russia and she was once poor. In fact, she was a student working for Stretch on this very same program. That all changed when she slept with the boss. Now that she has a little money tucked away, a roof over her head and a nice car, she forgets that she was once poor.

I finally got accepted to the University of Newcastle Upon Tyne in UK for AY2008/09 and it was a big relief to get that out of the way. I would be spending the next year in UK instead of going back to SIngapore. I am gonna be spending a long time away from home. 18 months to be exact.

I just came back from Niagara Falls and Las Vegas and I had so much fun there. Niagara Falls was so beautiful, it certainly lives up to the reputation of being one of the seven natural wonders of the world. Las Vegas was a whole new different experience, and certainly an expensive one. I got cleaned out at the blackjack tables. The reality of that didn’t hit me till I was on the plane out of LV.

I hate my life. Really. Sometimes I feel that life is so unfair. I know, I know. That’s life. However, when I see a extremely hot girl with a fat ugly mofo..I hate my life. Since I am on that topic, I have made a decision that is going to change my life. I have decided to move to the states after I graduate. I have always felt so stiffled in Singapore and misunderstood by the system. I feel that I have no room for personal and career growth if I stay in Singapore. I have always felt that my life was somewhere else and right now it seems that the States is the place where I am going to be. Its not concrete though, it depends on how my experience in UK will be like though. Although I highly doubt that I will change my mind, I have never been a big fan of cold, wet places. Especially when it is raining most of the time. However, I do know that I am going to miss some things in Singapore. My close friends, Marcus and Shuhui. My bestie – Claudine. Food- Bachor Mee, Laksa and chicken rice. Last of all, the one most important person in my life- my mother. I know that she understands that I have to do this for myself and that at some point in my life, I will eventually leave.

I just watched Made of Honor starring Patrick Dempsy, not sure if I got his last name right. Anyway, he is the guy that plays Dr. McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy. That movie rocks. At least in my opinion. I have always been a sucker for romantic comedies and this definitely is one.

Now is the summer of 2008 and I hope it never ends.

Crazy few days.

This is my fourth day in LBI and so far, everything has been crazy. I have been put to work immediately by my boss and this time I have been given more responsibilities. He’s putting me in charge of the windows crew and says that I’ll need to step up. What happened to a fun summer? Sigh. I went back to Dave’s place to say hi to him and we caught up a bit. But I feel something is different. I can’t really put a finger to it now but its feels different from before. From the looks of things, I don’t think  I am gonna work as much as before at dave’s place.

There are three girls and 4 guys in the house now. Three Ukranians and two from Jamaica, Aron and me. This Ukranian girl called Natasha is crazy. I hooked up with her for a little bit and now she’s going psycho on me. Asking for more attention and this and that. What the hell did I get myself into.

I’ll be posting more picture soon when I get more time. Its been a hell of a week so far. I’m still nursing a headache from all the drinking last night. We had a small party, just the seven of us and there was alot of booze. Can’t think now.

The land of the hot girls!

Pictures time! Haha, this shot was taken at 7am in the morning at Tsukigi Fish Market. Apparently, all the Japanese chefs in Tokyo come here to get their daily supply of fresh seafood. I mean really fresh, these marine life were caught just hours before and then auctioned off at 6am the very same morning. This fish in the picture is gonna become someone’s tuna sashimi, that’s alot of sashimi. Do you know the fishmonger has to use a saw to cut it up? That’s crazy. Well, that being said..I went for breakfast-salmon sashimi.

I have never tried having sashimi for breakfast before, I guess there’s always a first time for everything. Having breakfast in Japan, eating sashimi seems so surreal. I still can’t believe I am in Japan! Japan is really a beautiful city, abeit a very very expensive one though.

After breakfast, Aron and I decided to head to Ueno, our next destination. We wandered into this place that apparently rents adult DVDs and on top of that, they provide a viewing room that come with either a bed, chair or massage chair. The room comes equipped with lots of tissues(wet and dry), there are headphones for the customers so that the ‘noise’ doesn’t affect other customers’ viewing pleasure. This is what I saw in the toilet. A machine selling artifical vaginas. I believe it is for one time usage only but then again, Japanese being Japanese..you never know what to expect. I was looking aroung the titles of the adult DVDs and I must say, they have something for everyone. From the schoolgirl fetishes to MILFs. I must say I came across this really disgusting one, a DVD about a girl being *#@! by old men and I mean the really old old men with all their wrinkes and spots. What makes it worst is that, she’s like a giant as compared to them. Gross.

This, my friends is the world’s first women’s only carriage. No guys allowed. Nope, not even if you’re like 5 years old. Unless you have boobs and a vagina, you’re not allowed in it. There’s a guard there just to make sure there’s no cheeky(read perverted) Japanese man trying to sneak in. I reckon this system is a product of years and years of molestations/gross misconduct by the men.

What would Japan be without her iconic school girls in their short skirts and kawaii dressing, the answer is simple. Not Japan. We have come to associate the short skirts and pulled up schools with Japan. They are also the reason there are so many school girl themed adult videos. By the way, the one in the foreground is really pretty. In fact, generally I think that the girls in Tokyo are so much better than the girls in Singapore. Aron and I had a discussion about it and we both agreed that SG girls are 1. too materialistic and 2. incapable of fidelity. Oh wells.

The time now in New York is 10.20 pm. I am hungry and mildly irritated. That’s it for now. Till then.

Its been too long

Its been too long. After almost a year hiatus, I am blogging again. This is mainly because I am off on my travels again. This time is different from the last one, I am going to be away from Singapore for one and a half years. Yup, one and a half years. I’m going back to States again, to LBI. After that, I will be heading to UK for a year exchange. Right now, I am in Tokyo, Japan. This place is just fantastic. I can see why this place is so popular. This city never sleeps, life starts getting busy here from 4.45am where people start going to work and the parties never seem to end.

The culture here is so different from Singapore and any other places that I have been to. The people, the practices and life is so uniquely distinct. I always envisioned how Japan is like from the things I read about it and the scenes I see from movies and documentaries. Its is almost the same and the reason why I say almost and not entirely is because one has to here physically to experience Japan japan. From the kawaii girls, fashion, food, hot springs and the AV industry, everything is a whole new experience. Tokyo is indeed a beautiful city and I am sad that I will only be spending 5 days here. I will be uploading the pictures I took once I have the time. The next time I will blog again will probably be in the States so till then.

24

24 years. In a flash, I have spent 24 years on this earth. Here’s to all the years that have passed and the ones to come. Thanks guys for coming to wish me happy birthday. I’m glad you remembered. Thank you van.